It’s 4:30 a.m. The house is quiet. I roll out of bed and try to not wake up my husband. I turn on the shower, brush my teeth, pull my hair up in a bun so that it won’t get wet, step into the solace of the shower and let the water pour over me. I breathe in the steam and the scent of my almond milk soap.

I woke up with so much anxiousness today.

I woke up restless and fear was lurking in the dawn.

The beginning of the school year always brings with it routine, which to be honest, after a summer of fun and sleeping in and travel, routine is much desired. I have learned that as a mom, rest and rhythms are essential.

Dear Jesus,

I do not have much peace today Lord. The unrest of the world, the uncertainty of the future, even the unrest between your saints is difficult to contend with Lord. I am flailing, wavering, weak and tired.

Assure me of your peace Lord.

Your presence is the very breath I breathe and you surround me, therefore, peace is mine for you said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy sometimes. I know many times for me forgiveness has been repeating the words, “I forgive” daily and again and again until I start to mean it. Forgiveness isn’t natural, its supernatural.

The word at the very beginning of this verse is ‘Then.’ What provoked Peter to THEN go to Jesus? What had Jesus been teaching before?

The first time I heard the Lord’s prayer was when I was nine years old.

A neighbor who attended the local Catholic school invited me to mass one Sunday morning. I was so impressed that she knew when to sit, stand, kneel, and recite this prayer. I had only ever visited Presbyterian and Episcopalian churches with my family, though mostly on holidays or special occasions.

When I was twelve, my parents divorced and my mother encouraged me to attend an Episcopalian church with her. I welcomed the idea and volunteered to be an altar girl on Sunday mornings and I committed to memorizing the Lord’s prayer and the Apostles Creed.

I couldn’t breathe. I could feel panic setting in and I knew I wasn’t okay.

My mind began to race. I thought I was delivered from anxiety Lord! I thought you had saved me from these fears. I was so confused. I felt broken. Again.

It had been years since the darkness covered me in such a way. It had been years since the looming black cloud had made its way into my life.

I refused to go back there.

I refused to lose myself, my faith or my hope.

I refused to pick up the chains of slavery, when I had been set free and delivered.

I seek solace in our backyard. Space and time away from the noise and from my precious family who I love dearly, yet who seem to be all around. All. The. Time. During these days of COVID-19, I find myself in a place of constant serving and encouraging. I wake up and our days are a repeat of the one before. It is like being trapped in the film, “Groundhog Day,” but this is real life and not nearly as comical.

My mind is consumed with disquieting thoughts. I am determined to keep rhythms and peace in our home. I am determined to protect my family in the simple ways that I can which include cooking from our pantry and avoiding stores. I am determined to seek beauty and create a sense of normalcy. I am consumed by such simple ways of living, some of which were barely a factor of life merely a few weeks ago.

I am sitting on a porch across from a body of water. The wind blows fresh air and the fog begins to lift, the sun begins to stream in and the clouds that were covering the warmth of the sun begin to move across the sky, revealing blue heavens. Peace abounds in that moment, yet the world falls to chaos.

On my phone, TV and across the world, people are full of fear and panic. This virus that is moving across the world has so many concerned and fearful. It has already had its affects on so many aspects of life, plans and vacations have been cancelled, grocery store shelves are emptied, events are being cancelled.

We are not a fearful people, but hopeful. Peace rules our hearts, because it is times like these where what we preach and declare makes its way into how we truly live.