It’s 4:30 a.m. The house is quiet. I roll out of bed and try to not wake up my husband. I turn on the shower, brush my teeth, pull my hair up in a bun so that it won’t get wet, step into the solace of the shower and let the water pour over me. I breathe in the steam and the scent of my almond milk soap.

I woke up with so much anxiousness today.

I woke up restless and fear was lurking in the dawn.

As we begin a new school year, I find myself repeating this particular phrase again and again. I am exhaling it out in hopes that I will find joy and purpose within its words.

“Can you believe we get to do this?

I am trying to make a habit of repeating this phrase when I feel stuck or uncertain, frustrated and ungrateful.

We are a family that loves to celebrate and feast (which is just a fancy word for eat!)

So anytime we get to celebrate we take full advantage.

Valentine’s day is a wonderful day to celebrate our family and the love we have for one another. We are a family because we began with love. That is the foundation of who we are and what we are becoming,

The beginning of the school year always brings with it routine, which to be honest, after a summer of fun and sleeping in and travel, routine is much desired. I have learned that as a mom, rest and rhythms are essential.

I haven’t read my bible in two weeks. I have sat with it in my lap. I have opened the app a few times. I have avoided it as well. I love reading my bible. But these past few weeks I just haven’t had the heart.

Been there before? Yeah.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with so much sadness you couldn’t pray?

Have you ever been overwhelmed with so much life, you are just moving through the weeds as fast as you can so they don’t choke you?

Dear Jesus,

I do not have much peace today Lord. The unrest of the world, the uncertainty of the future, even the unrest between your saints is difficult to contend with Lord. I am flailing, wavering, weak and tired.

Assure me of your peace Lord.

Your presence is the very breath I breathe and you surround me, therefore, peace is mine for you said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27.

Many say that the world has changed after the events of this week. Maybe it has. Maybe it has always been this way but this time we simply couldn’t turn a blind eye or numb out to it.

Many were completely heartbroken after this weeks events. I understand that.

We should be heartbroken. No matter where you stand on any of this, if anything at all, we should all be heartbroken.

Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy sometimes. I know many times for me forgiveness has been repeating the words, “I forgive” daily and again and again until I start to mean it. Forgiveness isn’t natural, its supernatural.

The word at the very beginning of this verse is ‘Then.’ What provoked Peter to THEN go to Jesus? What had Jesus been teaching before?

The first time I heard the Lord’s prayer was when I was nine years old.

A neighbor who attended the local Catholic school invited me to mass one Sunday morning. I was so impressed that she knew when to sit, stand, kneel, and recite this prayer. I had only ever visited Presbyterian and Episcopalian churches with my family, though mostly on holidays or special occasions.

When I was twelve, my parents divorced and my mother encouraged me to attend an Episcopalian church with her. I welcomed the idea and volunteered to be an altar girl on Sunday mornings and I committed to memorizing the Lord’s prayer and the Apostles Creed.

I couldn’t breathe. I could feel panic setting in and I knew I wasn’t okay.

My mind began to race. I thought I was delivered from anxiety Lord! I thought you had saved me from these fears. I was so confused. I felt broken. Again.

It had been years since the darkness covered me in such a way. It had been years since the looming black cloud had made its way into my life.

I refused to go back there.

I refused to lose myself, my faith or my hope.

I refused to pick up the chains of slavery, when I had been set free and delivered.