I’ve had a troubling sort of day. I watch the news come on my facebook feed and it’s disturbing. I read stories of loss and tragedy and terror and my heart breaks in pieces. Murder, violence, terror, troubles, tears, sorrow, brokenness.SO much brokenness.Another shooting has occurred. Another act of hate. Another terrorist attack.Then a child is lost. Disaster. Dreams Shattered.Blood Shed for nothing.People pointing fingers, blame spat out like a lashing of bullets missing a target, yet wounding so many.Fear rises.

I was exhausted. My whole body ached.“Am I getting sick? I don’t have time to be sick!Is it just pure exhaustion? After a relaxing weekend, why am I still tired?If I go to sleep now I’ll get 5 hours. I can’t function well on 5 hours, but its better than 4.Why am I still awake? My head hurts.Maybe I should be praying for someone. God am I awake because I need to be interceding? …nope, just awake apparently. I got nothing God. Since I’m up, maybe you can just put someone on my heart. Super sincere, I know.”I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. My husband was lying next to me lightly snoring.

A few weeks ago I co-hosted the IF: Gathering at our local IF: Richmond/Katy. This is our second year to host an IF: Local and God has overwhelmed us both times...but for me, this time, was different.As we have prepared and planned, I can honestly say that I wasn't super excited. I had moments of excitement, but I knew the work that lay ahead and I knew it was going to be hard and take much effort and time. I was working outside of my strengths and though I had a God inspired team, I was uncertain of how to lead well and keep it all together. The weeks before IF, I was weary. I had shared, prayed, sent and answered so many texts and emails and questions that weariness was flooding over me.Obedience was at stake. God had placed us and purposed us and called us to this and I had to walk in His ways. When God calls you to something you really don't have a choice. You either obey or you don't. I believe in God and I believe and trust Him so not obeying isn't an option, no matter how difficult following God is. I knew well enough that God would bring me through the tired.

I may not have an answer. All I have is what I know to be true. I know my family was changed because of the love shown to refugees by the Church. I know people more than anything desire to be free. I know people desire to be safe. I know people desire to be loved.Maybe instead of talking, arguing or giving lots of opinions, why don’t we take this opportunity and really be the hands and feet of Jesus.Imagine what the church could do if we put aside our talk of this crisis and instead we moved on behalf of this crisis.

Here’s where I’m at…many long, deep conversations with like minded friends usually begin with that statement.I’ve sat in small group, bible studies, Starbucks and across tables listening and sharing where God has me, what He has placed in my heart, my fears, my passions, where I am stuck and what I am trying to get my mind around.As believers we should be constantly going deeper, seeking righteousness, being made daily more and more like His image. There are definite seasons of life that are difficult, stormy, some are dry and others are joy filled. We should take time to share with each other “where we are at” in our walk and the seasons He has placed us in so that we can encourage and pray for each other.

I sat at a conference unaware that I was about to be broken.I was pulled to go and pray with someone.I watched as others walked over for prayer. I knew I needed to get up, but I was scared.What was I going to say?I wasn’t even sure what I needed prayer for, but I needed something.I needed to be filled.To be emptied.To breathe.I needed restoration.

Repentance begins in me.Those words have struck a chord in my heart for months now. I have chewed on them, cried out over them, searched and asked and wept.The things of this world, the ugliness and sin have left me broken and longing for Heaven. I couldn’t bear another worldly justification for sin, I couldn’t hear more hate filled words and lashings, I couldn’t watch one more abortion video.And then more…

My blogging break has come to an end and I’m excited to be back!I am refreshed and ready to put some words on the screen.This break was a bit unexpected, but I am glad it worked out well. Honestly, during this summer I found myself sad and my spirit heavy. There was and still is so much going on in this world that is very troublesome. Wars are being fought on every corner of the globe both physically and spiritually. My last post was a cry of my heart and I simply said all I could. I had to just take time to sit and pray and be still. Writing about life, motherhood and living out your callings seemed small amidst the chaos of this world.So I took a break. Cleared my head. Engaged in my other passions – Summertime and reading!

I had a post ready to write about Father’s day today. After the Charleston shooting my head isn’t in it.I’m heartbroken.I’m fearful.My heart is so heavy.I’m weary.My children are playing in the neighborhood pool while my son is at swim practice. They are so innocent. So fun. So full of joy and laughter.Other mothers are nearby laughing and sharing stories. I sit at a nearby table under an umbrella and tears pour down my face hidden by my oversize sunglasses. I wipe my tears away quickly, but I don’t care if anyone sees me crying. My heart is overwhelmed and the only release is through tears.