I am standing at my back patio. It’s a windy night. The strong, cool breeze pushes against me as I breathe it in. The night is bright, a full moon is directly above me as scattered clouds hasten across the sky.For months I have been in a funk.Engulfed in a myriad of fear and doubt, insecurities and uncertainties.I’ve been bogged down by the noise and every time I have desired to rise, life manages to sucker punch me. Oh nothing out of the ordinary is occurring in our lives...from the outside in we are happy and healthy and fine.Yet, in the past few weeks I have been made aware of the fact that I have been wasting away. This crankiness, sour disposition and even bitterness has crept into my soul and has even plagued my relationships, my desires and mostly my faith.What’s going on? Nothing.Yet, you know how people say that attitude is everything...well, maybe they are onto something.As I stand out in the cool night I realize all of this life…it’s a gift.

I’ve put aside this blog for a few months because, to be honest, I had nothing to say.I felt a little overwhelmed, a little insecure and well, I was totally flailing. I hadn't heard much from God and really, I wasn't listening. I was too busy. Too tired. Too undone.Plus, there has been so much noise. Unfiltered sounding gongs. I honestly haven't wanted to contribute to the noise. I haven't wanted to use my voice or words and I fell into believing the lie that more words were useless and they didn't matter. Who wants to hear about my little struggles or lessons or motherhood fails or desires? The world has been on fire in every aspect and so what difference does my life make in any of these things.And so I have been quiet.

I was exhausted. My whole body ached.“Am I getting sick? I don’t have time to be sick!Is it just pure exhaustion? After a relaxing weekend, why am I still tired?If I go to sleep now I’ll get 5 hours. I can’t function well on 5 hours, but its better than 4.Why am I still awake? My head hurts.Maybe I should be praying for someone. God am I awake because I need to be interceding? …nope, just awake apparently. I got nothing God. Since I’m up, maybe you can just put someone on my heart. Super sincere, I know.”I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. My husband was lying next to me lightly snoring.

I had a post ready to write about Father’s day today. After the Charleston shooting my head isn’t in it.I’m heartbroken.I’m fearful.My heart is so heavy.I’m weary.My children are playing in the neighborhood pool while my son is at swim practice. They are so innocent. So fun. So full of joy and laughter.Other mothers are nearby laughing and sharing stories. I sit at a nearby table under an umbrella and tears pour down my face hidden by my oversize sunglasses. I wipe my tears away quickly, but I don’t care if anyone sees me crying. My heart is overwhelmed and the only release is through tears.

Summertime is finally upon us! Sunshine and long, lazy days. Poolside and snow cones, day trips and vacates! I LOVE Summer!Despite all the fun I plan to make Summer memorable and enjoyable for my little tribe, there are always those days where I hear 3 little words that drive my bonkers…”Mom, I’m bored.”I’m gonna be honest, my kids aren’t really allowed to utter those words.They know their momma does not take kindly to such words and will usually find a chore for whoever says them. Seriously ya’ll, it’s inexcusable. In this day and age boredom should not exist. Screen entertainment alone should take care of all boredom, not to mention books, pools, trampolines, play equipment and toys that litter every room.I am all about making summer memorable. We craft and play and I have board on pinterest with all kinds of summer fun. We go on adventures and vacations and day outings, but there are many days where we stay home and relax and enjoy being home. Unfortunately, I find that many of us moms can easily lose our balance when it comes to summer fun and instead of enjoying the long, lazy days, we fall into becoming cruise directors! We have this idea that we must fill in every hour of the day for our kids so that they enjoy their summer break and we run around crazy with our clip boards of activities filling every moment with things to do.

This past weekend I, along with some dear friends co-hosted a live streaming of IF: Gathering or what we call, IF: Richmond/Katy. [dt_gap height="10" /]I really had very few expectations for this weekend for myself.I knew God was going to show up.I knew he was going to bring down walls.I knew these things, because IF: Gathering awakened me last year and propelled me forward in ways I never imagined and I knew it would do the same for many who wanted the same for their own lives.

If God is real, Then He will move in you, for you and through you.Last year I cried out to God to do something in my life. I was hopeless, passionless and for years moving in and our of the hills and valleys of depression.I was lost.God had called me to surrender everything. To stop with my formulas and my plans and my desires and give it all to Him.Surrender.And I was terrified.The phrase “What if” ruled my thoughts.I was a slave to “if.”What if I can’t do all you have called me to?What if I mess up?What if all of this is too hard?What if I fall on my face?What if I live my entire life restless, afraid and depressed?