There is a deep desire within all of us to know God and to know his love. Yet this world is so noisy, and we tend to do whatever we can to get by without leaning into Him. When I finally lean in, be still and wait, that is when transformation happens. We ought to lean in, we ought to know God’s love, but that requires some waiting and well, we are not good waiters.

We are almost finished with January and I am willing to bet that some of us have faltered some in that daily quiet time goal that we made at the beginning of the year. Maybe just me!

Sticking to anything  is hard and life gets complicated fast and setting aside time to be with Jesus and spend time in prayer and bible study is hard.

Let’s be real…you probably set yourself up for failure.

Yet here is God’s grace and truth: you literally can not fail God.

You’ve been there before…sucker punched.

A deal falls through.

Something fails.

A hope comes crashing.

Broken, fear filled, painful, heart stricken.

The blue October sky turned bleak.

My son comes in to hurry me as I stand, struck hard. I wasn’t prepared for this blow. I didn’t realize a battle was ensuing. I forgot that battles were never ending. I kiss my husband, ask if he is good and he reassuringly says he’s not worried and that it will all work out. I trust Him. I can’t disappoint my kids, I have to keep going, so I grab the keys and go.

To the zoo. On a beautiful October day. Heartbroken.

I lay in my hammock and enjoy the breeze of the day. Laying on my hammock has become my happy place.

During quarantine we spent so much time in our yard and have made it an oasis during this time of drought. We have planted seeds and watched them grow, we have cleaned, we have created a place of rest.

I begin to pray and spend time with Jesus, fully intending to leave all the stress and worries and anxieties at His feet. There are so many things that make my heart break. The chaos of the world, the sickness, the economy, the conversations I am having with my children, and the simple struggle for a sweet summer.

Church on our couch during this pandemic has been wonderful in many ways. We are worshiping and engaging in service together as a family and we are usually on time! Every week after the sermon, we have sat and answered questions and have engaged in really great conversations.

One such conversation that has continually come up these past few weeks has been the importance of reading our bibles.

My dearest friends were sitting in the living room. We had been looking forward to our girls weekend for months. Sadly, for much of the day I found myself struggling in my heart. We were laughing, having good conversations, enjoying our time together, but lies began to befall on me.

Feelings of insecurity plagued my thoughts and I couldn’t shake them. Despite my trying to filter truth, the feelings of unworthiness were persistent. As the day wore on, I was struggling in my mind and soul.

In a timid voice, I finally spoke and said, “I am struggling with so much insecurity and I don’t know why.”

In that moment the thoughts I had been battling in the depths of my heart for the entire day were cast into the light. The dark lies from the depths of hell no longer had a hold on me. Immediately, these women who know my sins, my pride, my hearts desires and greatest fears spoke life into the darkness, gathered around me and prayed for truth to deliver me from my tumultuous thoughts.

Truth was returned and my faith, the substance of all my hope, despite whatever isn’t seen or even often felt, rose up within me.

During these days of crisis, as a pandemic beats its way into our lives, I’m reminded of that evening and the power of confession.

A few years back I was lost. I had forgotten who I was, what made me the person I am. I forgot what I loved and what I needed. I was so consumed with trying to survive life that I wasn’t living life. I was overwhelmed with all that I thought I was suppose to do.

There are days when things simply do not go as planned.One time when I was like 15 my family and I went to Cabo San Lucas for vacation. The trip in general is what we affectionately call the "vacation from hell!" Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Oh how we laugh about it now, but it was the longest week which brought with it a new mess each day.