Because your Greatest Purpose is to Train, to Fights & to be Still

She came downstairs for the third time. It was about midnight. I was tired and frustrated and annoyed. Not a good place for mommy to be.

“What’s wrong now?”

“Mommy, I’m sorry, I just feel weird. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Just dumb stuff. I’m just worried about if people like me. I’m nervous about my play. My mind just won’t stop and I’m just thinking about all kinds of stuff and I don’t like it.”

In that instant my frustration was swept away.
In that instant I saw myself in her blue eyes.
In that instant I was reminded that she wasn’t a little girl with little girl fears, she was growing into a woman with real emotions and hormones and insecurities and fears.

Some of the same insecurities and fears that had once plagued her mama for many years. Some of the same insecurities and fears that I have battled and fought and yes, even some I have won.

I was reminded of the promise the Lord had made to me when I found out she was growing within my womb. Right before I became pregnant with her I experienced the first valley of depression in what would soon after become a mountain range. Insecurity and fear plagued me at the summit of those years.

My two year old son was watching PBS and I was a crumpled mess on my kitchen floor, my eyes bloodshot from the tears that were produced because of my fears. My husband was out of town for the week and fear overwhelmed me. Anxiety poured over me and my mind could not handle the thoughts. My feelings overwhelmed me and overshadowed every truth.

I wrestled for truth.

“Little did I know that he was about to lead me toward the way of surrender, but that way would be full of suffering.”

I wrestled with God to break the fears in my life that had bullied and beaten me for years.

I hated the hellish nightmares that berated my spirit and sleep.

I broke under the constant feelings of loneliness.

I felt such shame because of my desires to run away.

I pleaded with God to let me control my life the way I foolishly thought I had. Little did I know that he was about to lead me toward the way of surrender, but that way would be full of suffering. In that suffering, I found who he had created me to be, but I had many lessons to learn after that small beginning on my kitchen floor.

On that day he released me from certain fears, but I knew there was much more work to be done. I felt in my spirit that freedom was near, but the battle was not for myself, but for my children.

My purpose would be for them.

I would teach them to break the fear and that dreaded cycle of fear that permeated generations. I would not only break the chains that had bound so many before me, but I would break them in a way that they would no longer have any power over my children. I would teach my children how to battle and fight and win.

Fear, worries and anxious thoughts no longer had any place in our home. They were no longer a part of my story.

I found out two weeks later I was pregnant with my baby girl.

“Mommy will you pray for me?” she said, as she placed her head in my lap and I stroked her hair. “Will you pray mommy prayers?”

Mommy prayers are fierce prayers.

Prayers with a sword, ready to fight and engage the enemy. Prayers full of scripture and truth. Prayers that break every stronghold and have holy spirit power infused in every word. Prayers that replace fear with boldness, and insecurity with confidence in Christ.

“I learned how to dive deep and hunger for God’s word, for without his word the fight would be futile.”

In the years that followed that small beginning of surrender years before, I learned many things. Yes, I learned who Christ was in me. But I also learned how to pray and how to battle in prayer. I learned how to dive deep and hunger for God’s word, for without his word the fight would be futile. I learned to lead. I learned to be still and rest. I learned to trust God. I learned to transform my anxious thoughts and battle for truth.

I began to teach my children in small ways. I spoke scripture into their lives. I prayed mommy prayers. I made them exchange trash for truth. They were my first audience, my first speaking engagement and I still preach to them often. They have seen me wake up early to get in my bible and stay up late to write the words he has given me. I have taught them to fight, I have taught them how to wield their sword, I have taught them how to move from mommy prayers to their own fierce, bold prayers. I am teaching them still.

Be Still, Beloved came from my greatest desire to teach my children the word of God.

I believe that all like minded women and mothers desire to know and understand the word of God so much so that they too can wield their swords and not only fight for their children and pray mommy prayers, but also to teach them to do the same.

My greatest purpose in this life is for my children to understand scripture and apply it to their lives. And I especially pray that they will not conform to the patterns of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of their minds(Romans 12:2)!

I pray my mommy prayer and she kisses my cheek.

I look into her eyes and smile and remind her of truth.

“Emma, what is truth? Are you loved? Are the gifts you have for His glory? What do you need to do with fear and imagination?”

“Yes, I am loved. And he has given me my talents.”

“Ok, what else do you know?”

“That I have to cast out all imagination. And God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind.”

“Good. Anything else.”

“Whatsoever things are good, lovely and excellent, think on those things.”

“Good girl. Who is fighting for you?”

“Jesus.”

“And…”

“And you.”

She smiled and kissed my cheek once more and headed towards her room. She slept all night and the next and the next.

Yeah, every once in a while she comes down and needs some reminding, but that’s our greatest purpose. We remind. We teach. We train. We fight. We battle. We are still.