She came downstairs for the third time. It was about midnight. I was tired and frustrated and annoyed. Not a good place for mommy to be.
“What’s wrong now.”
“Mommy, I’m sorry, I just feel weird. I can’t stop thinking about stuff.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Just dumb stuff. I’m just worried about if people like me. I’m nervous about my play. My mind just won’t stop and I’m just thinking about all kinds of stuff and I don’t like it.”
In that instant my frustration was swept away.
In that instant I saw myself in her blue eyes.
In that instant I was reminded that she wasn’t a little girl with little girl fears, she was growing into a woman with real emotions and hormones and insecurities and fears.
My son can be difficult. He is definitely an 'alpha male,' strong willed, stubborn and relentless. I am the opposite in many ways. I don't like confrontation and am very sensitive, yet easily angered. We have both become better. That's what growing up does, right...it makes us better. We both have a long way to go.
My children are getting older. When I first started writing I wrote about my motherhood struggles and of the waking hours, the weary and the worries. We have transitioned from those years and have moved into the years of what I call ‘flight training’ years. As my children get older they begin to practice flying from the nest.
What Mothers must Remember at Bedtime
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and for the 3rd night in a row a little girl comes down crying and coughing. Her breathing is wheezy, Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are so tired.We have had a permanent pallet on our floor for so many nights.We fall into parenting without missing a beat. We take temps, administer medicine, give water, hold, cuddle, kiss, pray over and she sleeps.5:45..."mommy..." she then proceeds to ask me a question. I have no idea what she is talking about! I'm not even sure if I'm dreaming or awake!7:00 a.m..."mommy, I\'m awake."We are all awake.The day passes. Nothing stops. We head to the doctor, the pharmacy, gotta make breakfast, lunch, plan dinner. I help my children with school, I wash dishes, I work on projects. I give medicine, check temperatures and make sure lots of liquids are being consumed. I prepare dinner, take one to piano, take another to swim practice.It's evening.Finally bedtime.
When Life is Hard and You need to Dance in the Rain and Keep Breathing
Breate in, breath out. Holy Spirit in. Me out.This has become my "go to" in life lately.For those times when life is all CRAZY and you are running and being pulled in all kinds of directions and you wish you could literallyBREATHE. IN. AND. OUT.Those days when you are looking for that one lost shoe and making sure all the homework is done and driving from one side of town to the other for football and dance and piano and church and go, go, go...Breath in, breathe out. Holy Spirit in, Me out.And then you have those days when you have tried to drink the coffee that you have desperately been needing since 6 o'clock in the morning when the toddler woke you up because she tee tee'd in her bed through her diaper and you change soaking wet pj's and sheets and put her beloved blanket in the wash and she screams because "da water id huwting it!!" and she keeps looking back at the closed laundry room door and asking, "id it weady?" And each time you say as sweetly as humanly possible at 6:30, "no, not yet," she starts screaming all over again and this charade continues every. two. minutes. And all you want is coffee. And Jesus. And Grace. And maybe a little more coffee. But you can't have that coffee because well, little people are screaming and you heat it up again. and then one more time.Breathe in, breathe out. Holy Spirit in, Me out.
I Wish I Could Tell You About Mommy
I was frustrated and angry.Frustrated with the situation. Angry with myself.If I was better…things like this wouldn’t happen.If I was more…I was sneering at everyone who wasn’t helping.I was harsh with everyone who was.As I was frantically trying to find the lost, misplaced object I heard a little voice behind me:“Mommy maybe we can look for something else…”“No,” I said, hastily cutting her off, “we can’t. Just leave me alone, I don’t need your help so just get out of my way.”As soon as the words left my lips I felt the sting.I had struck. Hard.Immediately I saw the hurt look as she quickly turned and ran off.I didn’t call after her.I didn’t apologize.I kept looking for the lost item and sank within myself.I became the worst version of me.